Many years ago, I got lost in my backyard for several hours. In self-defense, our house sits on 16.8 acres, much of it a tree-covered ridge connecting to many other ridges, so getting lost isn’t quite as ridiculous as it sounds. Excuses aside, I lost my way and it was almost dark when I came out of the woods two farms down from our house.
Since February of this year, when we received a terrifying medical diagnosis, we have had surgeries, a rather long stay in the ICU, medical opinions from Emory, Dana-Farber, and Cleveland Clinic, treatments that work, treatments that don’t work, and a plethora of tests, labs, and trips to various doctor appointments. We have felt very, very lost. One could say with a good bit of truth that it has been a nightmare. However, amid these nightmares, this feeling of being lost, we have also seen cracks of light. Some folks call these God Winks.
During our ICU stay, I went home one day to shower, take a nap, and then return to the hospital. Having slept a little longer than I had intended, I called the hospital to see if my loved one was awake and doing well. When I returned to the hospital, I saw the nurse had drawn a giraffe on the whiteboard in my loved one’s room, telling him to call me. The drawing brought smiles and for the next 4-5 days everyone who came into the room had to draw something on the board. One woman drew her pet parrot; one doctor drew a little man that we insisted could take on the giraffe. Everyone who came into the room immediately checked to see what new drawings had been made. It was a lovely way to spend some time in the midst of a serious issue.
Little blessings exist in the midst of a nightmare. There are nurses, unknowing angels who gently take vitals throughout the night and whose vigilance lands you later that night in the lifesaving ICU. There are exhausted nurses whose shift is over, but who kindly stay by your sleepless side to help you remember the questions you want to ask the doctor when he comes in. There is our Sunday School Class who gathered so many useful, thoughtful, and tasty things to help us that it took 2 large baskets and a large cooler to transport them all to our house. There are our sons who plan who is coming to Mom and Dad’s, when, and who this summer planned overlapping visits so they could replace our unsafe front deck. There are neighbors who bring over hot chicken pot pies right before dinner and who take off your trash, paint your newly built porch, and drive through the pouring rain to run by your house to pick up something your loved one needs while in the hospital. Friends and relatives cook amazing meals for you and even come to your house after you’ve been in the hospital for several days to clean it for you. There is your sister who calls every day and listens patiently as you rant or maybe even cry, and who comes to see you to take you on a girls’ day while her husband enjoys the company of your husband.
There is a first cousin who spent 30 years in medical research and who guides us towards proper questions and opinions. Prayers, texts, phone calls – all blessings.
We take our rest when we can. We ride in the car on a crisp day, side by side, and think of how lucky we are to have this day. We surround ourselves with books, FaceTime with our grandbaby, music, sunrises, sunsets, and thoughtful TV dramas. Good coffee, cats on laps, cuddles and hugs; the other day observing a Great Blue Heron landing on the roof of our greenhouse and later that same day being startled by a hapless squirrel who somehow splayed himself on the window screen right by my chair.
When you are lost, look for a God wink, peer through the cracks surrounding you, and find comfort, humor, and grace.
Cindy Arp, teacher/librarian, retired from Knox County Schools. She and her husband, Dan, live in Heiskell.
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